of huge boobs, Beloved Girlfriend and I watched
a spectacular movie this weekend called The
White Ribbon. It's an Austrian film set in
a small German town around 1913. The plot
revolves around a series of mysterious violent
acts inflicted upon the townspeople over the
course of about a year.
It's a low-key though very intense production,
earning its "R" rating for subject
matter as there's
no blood, nudity or gratuitous violence.
There is a charming romance to leaven the
tone but it's countermanded by some real grade-A
creepiness. Above all it's a mystery film,
but not the kind you're familiar with as it
leaves much left for the viewer to discover,
The direction is mannered and thoughtful, shot
originally in color but re-mastered as B&W
in order to give it a brooding, period feel.
this regard it reminded me of Ingmar
Bergman's great films
of the 50s and 60s.
If you're tired of movies filled with frantic
jump-cuts and endless gun battles and desire
a film that
try this one.
planet is rife with bio-diversity but it's safe to
say that there is nothing hanging off any other animal
that quite resembles
female breast. Gorillas, goats and gophers all got
boobs but, except in very rare instances, your average
man is not going to notice these animals even if they're
parading around in the latest in skimpy beachwear.
However, you can't say that
about other areas of a woman's body.
I don't want sound entirely sophomoric here
but if you check out a sheep from the rear you'll see
something that, for all intents an purposes, is the
same thing you'll find gracing the inner pages of Chic,
Oui or (and I'm only guessing here) Better Homes and
I'm not a prude or anything but when the state fair is in town I avoid
the animal pens altogether as I just end up wanting
to put pants on every bah-bah I pass. (Otherwise they're
just ASKING for it. And they're all underage, you know.)
But boobs? You own the patent, ladies. That is sexual
job security of a sort a guy can't begin to imagine,
and guys can imagine a LOT.
But think about this... million of years from now
alien archeologists will visit this dead planet and
what is left
In the process I wonder what they'll make of the human
breast. And what of the occasional specimen they discover
that has bags of organic material
resting under the skin of the upper torso? Will they
wonder if it grew there? Is it a parasite? Does it
change shape or size with age? Does it make sounds?
Will they make a leap of intuition and recognize it
as the human duck-call that it is?
As odd as that seems modern paleontologists look at
the crests of, say, a female charonosaur and make similar
guesses as to its primary function. But I'm pretty
male charonosauruses looked at the female frills and
said to themselves
"Ohhhh, baby! Must be jam 'cause jelly don't shake
In a sense, those were dinosaur boobs. So the next
time you're at the museum of natural history and you
an ankylosaurus adorned with what appears to be a Cross-Your-Heart
bra, you'll know that the state fair just left town.